Going OUT for breakfast!! Whether it’s after a long night out with friends or the morning after your sister’s wedding, sharing your bacon, eggs and homefries (with onions obvi) with your closest friends and family is always a HEATER!! The thing you find with breakfasts is that everyone is very opinionated on what’s considered good and what is considered bad. Me personally, I’m a meat mania type of guy. I want 2 eggs over easy (or 3 depending on the severity of the hangover) , sausage (preferably) and/or bacon, hold the ham…a massive heap of homefries with onions and a side of brown toast……washed down by coffee and pineapple juice……WOW!! Then there are those that think that breakfast is for the healthy ones……this is where you go wrong. Ordering the fruit platter with a side of cottage cheese and glass of water. LIVE A LITTLE!! Stop with the fruit for breakfast and salad for dinner…in the privacy of your own home go nuts, but when you go out for breakfast….DO IT RIGHT!!

HEATER!!

HEATER!!

Superbowl Sunday!! Let the countdown begin! Only 3 more days until every man's (and some down ass chicks) favourite Sunday!! The 6 hour pre-game show, the anticipation of potentially seeing Janet Jackson's star covered nipples and the flashing lights at kick-off make me gitty like a little school girl!! Packers vs Steelers!! LEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZGGGGO!!!!!

(Only fair comparison pre-game right?!!)

COOLER!!

Having your retarded computer security system at work ask you 15 days before your password expires if you would like to change it!! Clearly not. The password is only good for 30 days and after 15 you decide to request a change?? It's like asking if I'd like to change my meal have way through eating it....why ask questions you already know the answer too?? Wait till there's 1 day left or maybe until it ACTUALLY expires.....such a semi-monthly COOLER!!

HEATER!!

Saying something that isn’t meant to be funny but you later realize it came out PERFECTLY! My manager came back yesterday from vacation. I sauntered into his office yesterday morning to catch up since he’d been off for a couple of weeks. He went on to tell me that he visited Clearwater and Miami with his wife. Excellent to hear. I then went on to ask him if he got any “balling” in while he was in Miami (in my head meaning basketball) and he responded with “EXCUSE ME?!” seemingly surprised by the question. I then asked him again if he got any “balling” in while he was away…..too which he responded “that’s a pretty personal question”…..to which I broke out in laughter in his office putting the pieces together. HEATER!!

COOLER!!

Blocking the toilet and having NO PLUNGER to save you!! I literally was thinking of a HEATER and COOLER while enjoying a mid morning release. As I went to flush the toilet my worst nightmare came into play! I heard the gargling noise of the toilet as the water begins to rise. To my surprise my initial reaction was to reach for the plunger beside the toilet….NOT PRESENT. So now I’m panicking. I rummage through the drawers under the sink, look behind the garbage like there’s a chance I’m on “Punk’d” and this is all being video taped. NOTHING. So then I’m debating whether I wash up, make a run for it and leave it for the next unsuspecting washroom needing employee. I decide it’s poor long term planning and karma to leave a small infant for the next individual….. so I make a sprint down the back stairwell of my bank to the other washroom to try and salvage some decency and get the plunger from the other employee washroom (to which there’s 3 in my office BUT one is directly behind the teller line of the bank and likely would be quite embarrassing to run out of with a plunger in hand). NOT PRESENT downstairs as well….so I’m exploding with anxiety. I sprint BACK up the stairs and decide there’s only one thing left to do. Use the toilet bowl brush!! As I’m hammering away at the clog, someone tries to open the door and luckily I remembered to lock up. Could have definitely been the talk of the water cooler!!  I loosen the gateways and let the fresh water rush forward as I breathe a breath of fresh air and toss the brush back under the sink…(after the toilet rise obviously) HEATER!!

(I apologize for the graphic nature of this COOLER but as the book says everyone poops!)

HEATER!!

Vegas!! I am proud to say that I have been to Vegas 4 times in my short life span. All for different reasons. The first time I won a trip through my employer and actually took my best friend over my girlfriend at the time….needless to say we didn’t work out…..the second time was for my friend Cory’s 21^st Birthday….10 of us went down and from what I remember from pictures we had a good time….third time was a smaller group of me +3 of my closest friends…..we were supposed to go out and visit my friend in Fredericton but figured since we had the time off work already, why not fly to Vegas for 3 days….and the last time was with my GF for our birthdays and to play in the World Series of Poker…..all for different reasons, all for different experiences, but all HEATERS no doubt!! Viva LASSSS BARTOX!!

COOLER!!

Going to Vegas with your boyfriend of months and deciding to get wild and tie the knot……the best part of this would be the phone call home to tell you mother of the good news!! Not that I can really talk…I guess getting married is at least correctable where as the gift of life to a new relationship isn’t quite as returnable…..I wish you both all the best and congrats!!

BWUUUUAAAACK POLLY WANT AN ANNULMENT! BWUUUAAAAAACK!!

Too soon?? Love ya Nikki!!

COOLER!!

Having to clean the pee of the seat of a private washroom that isn`t your pee in case there`s a colleague or friend waiting outside and they misinterpret the pee on the seat as your own!! Let`s be god damn serious here......for the guys....a) lift the seat b) you`re minimum 18 years old if you`re working which means you have at least 15 years of experience in this regard. The average person pees 5 times a day which means you`ve had roughly 27,000 practice swings at this prior to this most recent mishap c) have some god damn respect for your collesgues. For the women......I don`t even know what to say. Set the TP ring and have a seat, stop trying to be men.